My husband has more chemistry with the woman he is having an affair with than with me.
I recently heard of a wife who was trying to get her husband to leave the woman he was having an affair with. On the one hand, the husband insisted that he still loved his wife and wanted to save the marriage. But on the other hand, he refused to leave the other woman. He just wasn’t about to let her go. This angered the wife. She did not understand what this other person could offer the husband who was more important to him than her family. The wife continued to pressure him and finally the husband admitted that he felt “chemistry” with the other woman that he did not feel for his wife.
Needless to say, the wife was stunned and furious upon hearing this. She said in part, “How are you supposed to respond or feel when your husband tells you that he has passion and chemistry for another woman who doesn’t have feelings for you? This surprises me on so many levels because my first priority was my marriage. I can’t imagine myself divorced and I don’t want my kids to grow up not living with their dad. But I don’t know how I can top or compete with this chemistry thing. Part of me thinks I should try to warm things up between us, but the other part of I think I don’t want to have anything to do with him while he’s in a passionate relationship with someone else.”
Although I was amazed at the husband’s candor, this situation is not that uncommon. Men often use words like passion, chemistry, or intensity when describing what they feel or hope to have with the other woman. After all, they are trying to justify their actions. So they are going to try to build this relationship and present it as something that is too strong or too special to resist. What many don’t understand is that, with time and reality, they will eventually realize that their “chemistry” was all a facade that will eventually fade anyway. I’ll tell you why in the next article.
Although your husband may be discussing chemistry with the other woman now, the odds are good that the intensity isn’t going to last: It is very common for men to say that the other woman makes them feel “alive” or “invigorated” in the early stages of the relationship. This is when everything is new and they are still hiding the matter. This type of clandestine relationship sometimes heightens the excitement that they often see or mistake for a spark or chemistry. But at this point, the wife knew all about it. They weren’t sneaking around anymore, so some of the excitement associated with that was going to wear off.
Also, as the relationship between cheaters ages, those intense feelings often fade in the same way they do between two spouses. People often really want to believe that they have met their soul mate or true love when they cheat (since that is how they justify their behavior), but this is rarely the case. The statistics on the longevity of relationships that begin with disappointment are neither good nor promising. They show that there is a good chance that the relationship will not last.
So what do you do when you want to save your marriage but your husband claims to have chemistry with someone else? That is not a decision I can make for you. I can tell you that while it may be tempting to try to compete with the other woman while the cheating is still going on, in the end it’s rarely a healthy thing for you. Trying to build chemistry with your husband when you know he’s doing the same thing with someone else is likely to be a painful experience, and it’s also unlikely to help your marriage (because awkwardness and resentment often cloud the whole process).
In my opinion, you’ll have a better chance of success if you make it clear that while you’re open to the idea of saving your marriage at a later point, you won’t even begin the process until he’s done it all. he ended her relationship with her. Sometimes, he will tell you something. Other times, you may have to wait until your relationship fizzles out or ends. But when he does, you’ve put yourself in a much better situation than if you were trying to compete.
Many wives understand this in theory, but are not sure how to respond to a husband who loves them but has mixed feelings. A suggestion might be something like, “I hear your words, but I can’t respond to them until I know I’m only dealing with the two of us. I can’t continue to be intimate with you when I know you’re being intimate with someone else. If and when the relationship ends, then I might be willing to listen and eventually try to save our marriage. Until then, I’m going to be working on myself because it’s not healthy or right for me to have a physical relationship with you when you’re not being faithful.”
Frankly, the “work on myself” part shouldn’t be empty words. It is likely that his self-esteem has been greatly affected by this. Never underestimate your own needs at this time. It’s perfectly fine (and advisable) to turn your attention away from them and focus on yourself. That way, when her husband ends the relationship, or if he does, he will be stronger and more in tune with what he wants and needs.
If my husband ends the affair, will we ever get the passion back in our marriage?: Many wives are very anxious about this question. She worries that her husband will never feel for them what he feels for the other woman. They feel stress because they think the mistress has some kind of control over her husband or some kind of sexual prowess that they can’t compete with. And unfortunately, these doubts can really hurt your confidence level, which in turn can hurt your chemistry.
I think it’s possible to get your passion or chemistry back after an affair, but it takes time and healing. Most people don’t appreciate the connection between the health of their marriage, their own self-esteem, and the sex that follows. It’s usually not until your marriage, trust, and trust are back on solid ground that you begin to regain sexual chemistry and passion.