Moving Through the Grievance – What’s Normal?
Do you feel like something is wrong with you because of how the death of your loved one is affecting you? Are those around you implying that you need to “control yourself” or that you should be getting over it?
Don’t let your feelings of isolation increase because of their lack of understanding. Almost everyone has a preconceived notion about what is and is not a normal human response to the death of a loved one. But the problem is (and it’s their problem) that only you know the degree of emotional investment you had in the loved one who died, not their friends or family.
Hurt on your schedule, not theirs. So what is it about normal that sometimes seems and feels so abnormal that it can scare our support people? The following have been associated with the complaint process over the years.
1. Let’s start by understanding that grievance is a long and complex journey with many ups and downs and unpredictable twists and turns. No two people grieve in the same way, not even in the same family. The process is much longer than what our culture teaches. Most mourners are initially filled with shock and disbelief, even when they knew their loved one was going to die. One cannot understand that the person is no longer physically present. He may feel numb, without feelings. Normal.
2. You may (or may not) be filled with anger and/or resentment. Anger is often directed at medical personnel, sometimes other family members, God, friends who don’t show up, clergy, funeral directors or the deceased, or feeling abandoned. Don’t expect your support network, no matter how hard you try, to understand your complaint or your anger. You may even be angry with yourself for what he did or didn’t do, whether real or imagined. Normal.
3. It is not uncommon to have a variety of physical responses in addition to crying or yelling. You may experience digestive upset, loss of appetite, headaches, fatigue, or a resurgence of old aches and pains. Nervousness or tremors, weight gain or loss have been reported. What we feel emotionally is normally transferred to every cell in the body. Usually, it all culminates in the inability to sleep.
4. You might feel a persistent emptiness, or irritability, a feeling of being overwhelmed, disoriented, or helpless. Disorganized thinking, forgetfulness, inability to concentrate, or confusion may occur. Fear of the future, being alone, or panicking is sometimes reported. Guilt, regret, or depression can set in as time passes and one repeats a variety of scenarios that lead to death. Surges or waves of emotion are common.
5. Over time, as the reality of the loss sinks in and initial support begins to wane, the real grievance work begins. This is where you may feel extreme loneliness, isolation, longing, or difficulty establishing new routines necessitated by the absence of your loved one. Feelings of rejection, despair, or hopelessness may appear. This is also the time when well-intentioned people want you to get well quickly and you must follow your own agenda for grief.
Life is often questioned. What meaning can it have now? You may not see any purpose for yourself in a world without your loved one, and the very thought of ever feeling happy again is crazy at best. You continue to procrastinate, find it difficult to make decisions, lack concentration, and may become impatient with everyone. At this time it is essential to start working on establishing a new relationship with the deceased, learning to love in separation, beginning the search for meaning and trying to reinvest in life.
To summarize, you will undoubtedly experience several of the above responses to the death of a loved one. They have been, in various forms, experienced by millions of people before you. The general need is to allow the complaints process to unfold. Do your best not to resist. Let it develop naturally. No one can tell you how long it will take.
And you are not weak because you still cry and miss the deceased. It is common to cry at various times over the years when a poignant memory is triggered. That’s healthy. Do not hold back the normal expression of emotion throughout your complaint. Death changes us. We have to establish a new personal identity, and as we gradually heal, we regain joy and enter the next chapter of life.
Each of us decides if and when we will be loss or restoration oriented for the rest of our lives. Above all, remember that there is nothing wrong with you for having the feelings that you do.