The 24-Hour Rule: Better Relationships One Day at a Time
One of the best things I learned from my wife is to wait 24 hours before responding to things that make me upset or angry. What great advice! If I had known and practiced that rule years ago, I wouldn’t have suffered the aggravation, anxiety, frustration, and embarrassment of sending an angry email over something that turned out to be a misunderstanding. This is what happened:
John (not his real name…and why I’m forced to say that, I’m not exactly sure; it’s not like you know this person or plan to track him down to verify this story) was a brilliant but moody project. manager. He had some contentious relationships with coworkers in the past, but he was an excellent manager and leader. That’s why he took me by surprise when he called me out in a very visible way during a leadership committee meeting.
John: Really? Is this what you’re suggesting?
Me: Yes because? Is there a problem?
John: F-ing bright; just great. The golden boy has all the answers.
Me: What did I do?
John: (Quietly, but loud enough for myself and a few people to hear) I can’t believe this! I’m out of here.
Me: What is your problem?
John: Push him! (or sit on it, or pound sand, or words to that effect)
I went back to my desk and sent an email, an email on fire, the mother of all emails, and put John in his place. He happened to be near the VP of Human Resources, and when John shared my little tirade with the VP, I was called to the carpet.
To cut a long story short, it was VERY out of line. It turned out that John’s meltdown was not directed at me, but at the fact that he had presented the exact same idea to management several months earlier and it was rejected. Suddenly, the new guy comes in, comes up with the same idea, and looks like a hero.
I had to eat raven that day (I was actually under “anger management” scrutiny for several months). Had he known about and implemented the 24-hour rule, things would have been dramatically different. I should have waited 24 hours to calm down and think about what happened. So I could have walked up to John and asked, “Can we talk about what happened yesterday? I was a little upset after the meeting and want to make sure I didn’t misunderstand anything.” I think the result would have been very different.
When something bothers you to the point of exploding, implement the 24-hour rule.
- Walk away and calm down. Whatever you do, don’t take any action for at least 24 hours. That means no email (never, ever put anger in an email, especially in your workplace. Emails are permanent records for many businesses and you don’t want something like that to have a life of its own), no screaming phone. Calls or voicemails, no inflammatory text messages, and for God’s sake, don’t share your anger with another co-worker. If it’s a situation at home with a spouse or loved one, tell them “I want to talk about this, but I’m a little too angry and hurt right now to be objective. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”
- Ask yourself some clarifying questions about the situation. What just happened? Could I have misread it? Could I have missed something? Do I have my facts correct?
- The next day, approach the person/problem with a calmer heart and clearer mind. Offer an olive branch: “I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. I’m not sure what happened, but I wanted to clear things up. Do you have a few minutes?”
- Give them the benefit of the doubt. Understand that you are not the only person with stress at work, difficulties at home, or money problems. Other people also have stress in life and may say things out of frustration that are not directed at you in any way; or even if they are addressed to you, they may not refer to them personally. Also, your stress may cause you to hear things differently; you can perceive a threat or an insult where none existed. Remember that “inconsiderate” literally means “without consideration.” If someone is being inconsiderate, it means that they are not even considering you, so how could their action be directed towards you?
The 24 hour rule is the perfect solution. It gives you time to put things back into perspective and allows you to calmly approach any volatile situation and find a solution.