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Direct Answers: Column for the week of June 24, 2002

I suppose there are worse problems than having two men who want to share their life with me. However, it is a genuine problem. I need some advice to solve all this.

My ex-husband and I wanted a baby and I soon had one. The problems in our marriage arose from two teenage daughters from their first marriage. His mother left ship after 10 years to “find herself”, leaving him to raise the girls.

Suffice to say, the girls were extremely harsh on me and his family did not accept that three years after their divorce, he would move on. We sought advice, but it did not solve anything. I got tired of trying to raise two girls who hated me and dealing with their hostile family.

That was four years ago. For the next two years he was so bitter that I left that he did not speak to me, and all communication was done through third parties. Life has been difficult for me raising a child on my own. I had to sell the house that I bought for both of us and I still have financial problems.

After two years, I met a man with a son the same age as mine, and the children quickly became brothers. His father and I also develop a close and intimate relationship, and he is financially successful. We have been together for almost two years and bought a house with the intention of getting married soon.

My current relationship never had the spark of sexual and emotional intensity that my ex-husband and I share. Still, we were happy until I spoke to my ex-husband for the first time in almost two years.

Therein lies the catch. My ex-husband says that now that his youngest daughter has moved out, he is free to live life however he wants. She gives me flowers, writes me love notes, and says she wants to spend the rest of her years raising our son together.

I never fell out of love with him, I just left the marriage alone and very hurt. He says that he too spent a long time trying to heal himself and now he’s ready to try to get it back. We are not going to have sex. I know better. But my ex-husband gives me the attention I crave in my current relationship and I don’t get it.

It seems strange to me that if a man really wanted to share his life with his son and his son’s mother, he could tolerate them living with another man. I also find it unusual that my boyfriend, as a grown man, is willing to tolerate any man’s advances towards the woman he hopes to marry.

My third option would be to politely tell each man that neither of them is a perfect match for me. Unfortunately, I am in no condition to be without an assistant. I am no longer expecting a perfect relationship. I realize that it just doesn’t exist, at least not in my world.

Jenna

Jenna, your dilemma is like the car comparisons in Consumer Reports. Each vehicle offers different features and what matters most is personal preference. Do you value safety, style, or fuel economy more?

Your ex-husband didn’t defend you from his family, and people who remarry usually rediscover the good reason they got divorced in the first place. Your boyfriend is a good person without passion, but there is company for your son.

In the old song “Torn Between Two Lovers”, a woman cannot decide between two men, which means that neither of them feels good. There is another song from the Hebrides, which contains the line “You are the music of my heart.” That’s what it feels like when the connection is true.

What you decide will largely depend on financial need, so the question you ask is not one that we can answer. What do you value most: safety, style, or fuel economy?

Wayne and Tamara

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Category: Relationship