Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence

Last month, I received the following letter from an old friend, Lloyd Barnhart.

“One topic I’d like you to cover/explore is the curious phenomenon that allows independent women to be dominated…even abused…by men with whom they share some sort of relationship. Why is it that a seemingly strong woman, a A smart woman would allow herself to be hurt…have her life altered in a negative way by some guy she’s in some kind of relationship with (which they apparently don’t see).

“I realize we could/you could attack this from the other angle: Why would a man want to completely dominate a woman to the point where she ceases to exist as an individual? But for now… help me understand this from a female perspective.

I would love to, and hope the following information answers your questions. Of course, each person involved in situations of violence has their own reason for living that way. In general, women who remain in abusive or violent situations are more afraid of being alone than of being with their abusive husband. She may also be afraid of what he will do if she leaves. She is usually financially dependent on him. If the couple has children, the woman feels even more involved and trapped: she believes that she is protecting the children. The more time she spends, the weaker, more dependent and “stuck” she becomes. Abusive men are narcissistic: they have “Jekyll and Hyde” personalities, which means they can be very charming when they’re not being abusive. Women who remain in abusive situations focus on this allure and deny the abuse. They also have experience of her husbands speaking up to get rid of any liability for misconduct, for example, if she once called 911 and he made the police think nothing was wrong. The woman feels hopeless and powerless, that no one will believe her or help her out of it. She is also embarrassed and doesn’t want people to know her misery. Several women have combinations of some or all of these reasons for staying put.

The question here that concerns most of us would be, “What can I do to help?” Here are some steps you can take when you think a friend or family member is in this situation.

1. Learn about the options. Before trying to help, make sure you know what the options are for the woman and her children. Get a domestic violence hotline number, (National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) child protective services number (ask the operator for your local child abuse hotline, go to www .childhelpusa.org or call 1-800-4 A Child) and local women’s shelter numbers Call the numbers, explain that you want to help a friend, and find out what information these organizations need to help your friend or family member. Make a list of the information she The National Domestic Violence Hotline website has a lot of very helpful information at https://www.thehotline.org But don’t just recommend the website or phone numbers to your friend. phone details you can Remember, she’s probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and maybe even useless She’ll need friends to guide her every step of the way.

2. A violent spouse has impaired impulse control and may erupt violently at any time. It is vital that no one talks to the husband, because if he is angry, he can take it out on her family. Understand that if he is truly violent, it won’t work to talk to him. His wife and children must be safe before anyone gets close to him. Once the family is safe, he may offer anger management classes or suggest therapy. He is not surprised if he blames his wife for her anger. He understands that if he involves child protective services and the wife does not stay away from her husband, the children may be placed in protective custody. Also if the wife goes to a women’s shelter, with her children, she will lose her job, if she has one, and she will not be able to communicate with her relatives from the shelter. The shelters emphasize that women cannot go anywhere their husbands are looking for them, or they could bring a violent man to the shelter and endanger everyone there.

3. Find a couple of friends or family members you can trust not to tell the husband what they know, and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation and if they would be willing to help. If you are unsure about the abuse or violence, they may be able to confirm or calm your fears. If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend is in real danger. Make a plan of what each of you is willing to do to help. Perhaps a family member can shelter her and her children, and keep her surrounded and safe from her husband if she gets angry. Maybe you can hook her up with a women’s shelter. You may be able to help her get a restraining order or an order of protection against violence against her husband. Some of you may know enough facts to testify on her behalf. I may be able to help her view websites on a computer that her husband won’t be able to access.

4. Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the woman who is in danger. If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get her alone, away from her husband, do so. Don’t leave revealing phone messages or emails, because women in these situations are often closely monitored by their husbands. Find a way to meet her alone.

5. Once you are alone with her, tell her what you know about her situation. This may mortify her, but it is important that she knows that you know. Tell her that he cares about her, that he is willing to help her if she wants help from him, and what he can do for her. She needs to know that she has support and protection, because walking away from this man is very scary for her. She may tell you that she is fine, that she doesn’t need help. She may even be angry with you. In that case, don’t get angry or upset. Instead, tell her that if she ever needs help, you’re there. You can print out the article “Family Violence Questions and Answers” from my website and leave it with her.

6. If your friend has kids, you think the kids are in danger and she won’t do anything, you may need to call the child abuse hotline without her permission. This won’t be easy, because then the family will be investigated, the children may be removed, and both parents will need to take parenting classes and domestic violence classes to regain custody of the children. In the meantime, Child Protective Services will give temporary custody to a safe family member, if someone is willing.

None of this is pleasant or easy, but if you honestly believe the relationship is abusive or violent, it’s the right thing to do. Remember that situations of domestic violence or abuse do not get better without intervention.

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